How to help someone who self-harms

What is self-harm?

Self-harm is when someone deliberately hurts or injures themselves as a way of coping with difficult emotions, memories, or situations. It can take many forms, such as cutting, burning, hitting, scratching, pinching, head banging, or pulling hair.

Someone who is self-harming is usually in deep emotional pain. They may be self-harming as a way to:

• Cope with their overwhelming feelings and distressing emotions.
• Regain a sense of control.
• Distract from the emotional pain they are feeling.
• Self-punish if they feel guilty or shame about something.
• Express something they can’t put into words.

A person who is self-harming may not have suicidal intentions. However, self-harm can increase the risk of suicide. So, it is important for people who are self-harming to get help.

Why do people develop self-harming behaviour?

Each person’s experience is unique, and there may be more than one reason why a person is self-harming.

Some contributing factors to self-harming may include:

• Feeling sad, anger, guilt, or shame.
• Feeling worthless.
• Experiencing grief or loss.
• Feeling numb or disconnected.
• Dealing with overwhelming stress at home, school or work.
• Exposure to a traumatic event.
• Being abused or bullied.

Self-harm may provide a temporary sense of relief, but it doesn’t resolve the underlying pain.

Supporting someone who self-harms

You may feel distressed and confused if you think someone close to you is self-harming. You may have noticed marks on their body, changes in their mood, and a tendency to be very withdrawn.

If you are concerned about someone, you can start a conversation with them to understand what they are going through and provide support.

Starting the conversation to support someone who self-harms:

• Find a quiet place to talk.
• Remain calm and express your concern for their wellbeing.
• Actively listen to what they have to say. Try not to interrupt or immediately offer solutions.
• Acknowledge and validate their feelings and pain.
• Let them know you care, and they are not alone.

You might say something like:

• “It sounds like you are in a lot of pain. I care about you and want to help you find safer ways to cope.”
• “It may be hard to talk about this, but I am here to listen and want to help you get the support you need.”
• “You don’t have to go through this alone. We can work through this together to get the support you need.”
• “I am proud of you for opening up about how you are feeling. We can work together to find a support service that can give you the care that you need.”

Offering to help the person:

• Encourage the person to seek professional support. Ongoing professional support can provide treatment and help the person understand why they are self-harming.
• Let them know that seeking support is a sign of strength and is a step towards healing.
• If they agree to get support, you can help them find options and offer to accompany the person to an appointment. A good place to start is by making an appointment to see their GP who can advise about specialist mental health professionals.
• Explore with the person what other strategies they could use as an alternative to self-harm. For example, they can try distracting themselves with an activity such as listening to a podcast or music, calling a friend, or going for a short walk.
• Help the person think of ways they can reduce their stress such as relaxation techniques, breathing exercises, or mindfulness. An app like Smiling Mind provides resources and meditations for managing stress.

Things to avoid when caring for someone who self-harms:

• Do not be judgmental or make the person feel guilty or ashamed.
• Do not minimise the person’s problems or feelings.
• Do not accuse the person of using self-harming to seek attention.

Professional support for self-harm

Free phone helplines:

• Suicide Call Back Service – Professional counsellors are available 24/7. Call 1300 659 467.
• Lifeline – Crisis supporters are available 24/7. Call 13 11 14.
• Kids Helpline – Support for kids and teens available 24/7. Call 1800 55 1800.

Mental health directories and services:

• Healthdirect – Search for GPs and healthcare professionals.
• Lifeline service finder – Search for free and low-cost health and community services.
• Medicare Mental Health – Connect with mental health support.

Please note: If the self-harm injury is serious or infected, seek medical attention by going to the doctor or local hospital. If it’s an emergency, please call 000.

With the right help and support, people who are self-harming can recover and find safer ways to cope.

Also remember to look after yourself as supporting someone can be tough at times. Make sure you rest and recharge, talk to someone you trust about your feelings, and seek professional support when you need it.

If you are worried about someone, and need someone to talk to, call Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467 to speak to a counsellor. Click on the chat button on the right to access online counselling. Our service is free and available 24/7.

If it is an emergency, please call 000.